I seek and Found God

The days I came to know the one true God and His purpose for my life were the best and sweetest days in my twenty five years of existence.

Before I was called by God, I was a believer of Chinese forecasting of the future---horoscopes, zodiac signs, predictions---I rely on these astrological tools to unveil my destiny. It was predicted that the year 2014 was not a lucky year for people born in the year of the dragon, especially for Leo's. I’ll have unfortunate loss of career and friends and probably have unstable love life and health --- things that I dreaded the most. Who would want to hear that you’re to loss a job this year or get unlucky applying for a new one? Who would want to hear that you’re about to feel ill or lose your special someone and even good friends? Such bad news. I had accepted that this was my year-round fate. I even wondered at that time if I'm still to apply in the ranking of school teachers for secondary. My hopes were down. I was supposed to fail this year.

But I didn’t. Failure is not an option this year. I have succeeded in aligning my goals, my life to the purpose designed for me by God. He called me. I’m glad I responded.

It was true I lost some friends this year. I resigned from my job tying me at home. I suffered from a lot of work related stress before the end of March. I had trouble patching this communication gap with my boyfriend. It felt like we’re talking but we’re never on the same page. Amidst these trials, I found my God.

I admit I had walked in the dark. I was a Dan Brown fan. I read his novels and discovered my fascination for the unpopular religious groups he often mentioned in his books. One of them was the Opus Dei. It was one of those occult groups which the Vatican allegedly continued to persecute. Their faith is strengthened by pain or suffering, that’s why they indulge in this ritualistic ways of inflicting pain to themselves---something that I found rather intense and passionate. I was so engrossed in discovering their nature, their truth.

Though Dan Brown’s book was categorized into fiction, I believed there are hidden truths in his book. I prodded the net for information and got a little discouraged to know that these antagonistic groups he so beautifully present were already non-existent. The first glimpse of light first came to me when I read his Inferno. It was a thrilling book that has this recurring passage from the bible that says “seek and ye shall find.” 

I seek and at last, found the truth--truth about my church--truth about my faith.  I felt betrayed for having lead to believe the wrong religious principles about God and worship. In my heart sprouted this unknown hatred for the church that was supposed to guide me in the light and not live in utter hypocrisy.
I was thankful enough to have Liz around. I guess she was sent to pick me up from the dark. When I had a lot of questions already, she invited me to their AG church. Before, I thought, born again? Baduy. People who say halleluiah and amen all the time. They looked comical to me. That’s why when she asked me to come, I hesitated. I prayed that night to God an honest prayer. I asked for His guidance because I felt so lost. 

I went with her and found the church so warm and welcoming. When bro Robert was praying over after his Sunday school, I bowed my head and sincerely asked the Lord that if He wants me to be part of that church, he’ll send me the Holy Spirit. He responded. I felt the weight of a new spirit coming into me, dizzying me yet, giving me this lightness of feeling that I so much longed for. I was complete. I was emptied and filled. And for the first time, I understand.

A few days after, I suffered persecution. Rick Warren said that our greatest ministry comes from our greatest pain. I was judged because people believed I wasn’t a good teacher for upholding an ethically correct decision in answer to the problem at hand. Rumors and gossips initiated by my suppose-to-be-friends-at work, disrespect to me by my students, threats ---I went through all them. I thought my knees will buckle but my spirit was strong. I never said a word to them, my enemies. I never backfired. I hold my silence and rend my temper. I thought it was impossible to do since I’m a very temperamental person but I did. I was humbled midst these people. One of the very first miracle manifestations in me. I confessed my suffering to no one, except to Liz who had been with me all the time. She made me trust in the Lord and I could proudly say, di nila ako natibag. I cried, yes. I cried for the betrayal of friends whom once I trusted the most. I cried for the unjustness of my situation. I cried. I begged the Lord to stop the trials. He heard my cry. He saved me and pulled me up again. And now, I am stronger than ever.

It was my greatest pain. It took me a whole week reading psalms to stop the bleeding of my bruised heart. I survived. The life lesson I learned from that experience was hard earned and will continue to reflect on my teaching.

It was predicted that my life this year will be miserable. I doubt that. In fact, this is my best year. I came to witness miracles. I came to savor the sweetness of answered prayers. And I came to enjoy the honor to be called to testify in His name’s sake.

Last Christmas Eve...

I lost my money last Christmas eve…

…but God repaid me with a more glorifying gift.

Do you know the feeling when you lose something valuable to you? It’s very uncomfortable, isn’t it? Like you want to blame other people for your misfortune, or curse God for making your life miserable. And later you have this trending “what ifs” in mind. You feel like every ounce of happiness is sucked out of you.

But the thing is I know better than that. Last Christmas eve, I learned a great lesson about life. I stopped having grudges. Finally, for the first time, I come to understand that sometimes, our misfortunes does not mean punishment or karma to us…I believe it is necessary in God’s plans---a plan of making everyone happy especially on Christmas day.

Yes. Someone made me realize that. Doing a great deed of kindness to other people requires sacrifice. It will always mean giving…sharing…losing…And I couldn’t be more grateful to be a lucky recipient of such a selfless act.

So to God and to you, thank you.

(P.S. Sai, i will be forever indebted to you...)

Talking Nonsense

I have had no proper sleep for the past nights so, I have acquired these friggin' thoughts about stupid things...

...like I'm beginning to hate the life I have right now because it's so easy...so relaxed. The thrill of struggling for survival ran out.

...like I wanna run away from this place for sometime because the environment sucks. I mean, I'm tired of breathing in the dark and dirty exhaust of vehicles, I'm tired of sitting in with drunken companions, I'm tired of facing my students who are so pacute...

...like I wanna quit. I wanna stop listening to other people, stop pleasing them because it's too damn hard to pretend. For once, I wanna do the stuffs I want. To hell, I'll scream, I'll laugh, I'll cry to my satisfaction.

...like I wanna bust my head. I'm a fool, an ungrateful creature worth extinguishing. It's so unkind of me to have these thoughts lurking on my mind. Afterall, I'm the one who pleadingly asked God to grant these things on me.

...like I'm living life. This is life.

At least, the stupid me is learning.





Life Update

It’s been a while since the last time I post a babble here. Actually, I got so much to say…I just don’t know where to start.

Two months ago, I was too nervous to accept the teaching job offered to me, mainly because I was assigned to one of the school's remote branches (which I thought was so out of this world) and I reckoned it be would be difficult to face a new life there without seeing my usual companions and I feared that it might took me a long time to adjust to my new environment. But then I thought, how can I grow as a person if I will limit myself---my experiences? I wanna try exploring places...meeting people. I guess, what I'm yearning for was self discovery. You see, I always wanted to break free from the chain of fear and doubt and pessimism…I wanna know the extent of my ability...I just wanted to be the person my friends and family perceived me to be.

So there I go---venturing on the unknown. Scary but I made it. Am I remorseful? No. As a matter of fact, I was thankful I'd chosen to be here. God is so good he'd given me the chance to meet wonderful people who are young but full of wisdom. He put me in a controlled environment where I can gradually grow as a person.

I only wish to learn more about life before the time comes that we'll bade goodbyes....

When does it start for early marriage to become an issue?

During my parent's time, early marriage wasn't such a big issue. I mean, during those time, a couple can get married as young as 18 years old(or even younger), so long the guy can provide a dowry to the family of the girl and of course, the parents has consent to the relationship. It was CULTURE speaking.

It wasn't so bad. It was an accepted norm...during those time.

But how about today? What made the difference?

Actually, I kept on asking myself why the kids of 20th century prefer to marry (not exactly marry, but live together even without the blessing of the parents and the church) at a young age. I don't see the point.

My cousin, who grew up in a dysfunctional family marry at a young age (right after she graduated in high school). She's brilliant, as a matter of fact, she graduated as class valedictorian, bagged a scholarpship in college but then...she just lost it. She didn't continue studying because she was pregnant. What was her reason? So far, I think it's escape from the life she had. Does it work? I don't think so. I can tell she's happy but really really undergoing a difficult life. Raising a family is not an easy stuff, right? At 19, she already go two kids. Pano pa kaya after 5 or 10 years? Eewww!

Then there's a close friend of mine. She already got a baby boy. She was already pregnant before we graduated in college. She's nice, lively and smart but I don't understand what drove her to engage in a serious relationship (and sex!!). I know she got problems at home (but who doesn't? I myself have loads of stuff to worry about) but we're not really expecting she would submit herself to a guy without making any reservations for herself, for her dreams. I'm not against the guy she choose to be with, in fact, it was our fault why they fell in love with each other. The point is she got fantastic dreams,the future has so much promises awaiting for her...but I bet it's not her priority anymore.

And there are my classmates in secondary school. I was really astound to know that most of them were already married, tending to kids. I know some of them had gone to college and accepted their diplomas, but how come...Yun nalang ba ang hangganan ng nga pangarap at pagsusumikap nila?

If the main reason is escape from the confinement of dysfunctional family or povery, why not choose a better partner in life...someone who got money, someone who believes in God and value his family more than anything else?

Was it love? I understand the power of love...it's an immense feeling, addicting right? But hey, it changes.

I know, this should be none of my business if my friends marry at a young age but hey, their action triggers a chain reaction. Young girls get impregnated, give life to a new offspring (another mouth to feed). Additional population to an impoverish society. Blah Blah Blah....it's a big issue to tackle.

Why can't we have a culture to change for the better?

Love or Need?

Love against need--which will you choose?

I picked need. I thought filling in my needs would be enough to make myself happy. But I was wrong. It's like stuffing myself with food but in the end I still ask "nabusog ba ako?" I almost scold myself for the answer.

Love. I don't have an idea what love exactly is. Di pa naman ako naiinlove talaga (yeah I'm 21 and still..arg! manhid siguro ako??!!) except for the puppy love I experienced when I was in the 6th grade sa elementary. Hell, that was 48 years ago! I have forgotten the boy who made me feel ecstatic but I remember how foolish to be love sicked. Nakakatawa!

He wasn't so cute but I stared on him like he was a greek god walking on earth. Pakiramdam ko pagkasaman ko sya, things will always turn out fine. I gave my best because I know he'll notice me when I stand out sa klase. I adore him for no reason at all. And I'm simply happy...(bad ending nga lang).

Now I'm grown up, I said being practical won't hurt. In fact, it's a means to save yourself from being hurt, right? So I pick out my guy and said "I'll make out the best in our relationship." but later, I grew sick of him. I don't even want to talk to him kasi nasasakal ako. I came to a point when I realized I don't want him to be part of my life anymore. The make believe about love and the sweet promises are not enough to keep us a duo because things are falling apart.

I know it was my selfish intention that brought me this dilimma. Sometimes I think why should I worry too much when in the end, di naman ako masasaktan. In fact, matutuwa talaga ako... yun nga lang, my conscience keeps on taunting me. If breaking up is as easy as saying it, I could have done it a long time ago.

Now I don't know how to tell him how I feel. He is so kind to me and I don't find a reason para itorture sya kasi, it was my fault naman talaga. Dapat siguro, iadopt ko na yung song ni Mark Bautista na "Break It to Me Gently" as theme song, LOL.

Haizt, ito nakukuha ng bad move. Sabi nga sa Forest Gumb "sometimes we all do things that, well, just don't make no sense."